Introspeksi

Maka kita kembali ke arena yang usang ini. Mencari makna dalam setiap aksara yang termuncul di skrin.

2013 hampir melabuhkan tirainya (ok, saya tahu, cliché) dan saya tidak pasti di mana saya. Walau pendefinisian masa dan ruang itu sangat jelas - pendefinisian diri saya semakin kabur, tenggelam dalam kabut dan kabus kekeliruan.

Entahlah. 2014 mungkin tahun yang getir bagi saya. InsyaAllah bulan Julai saya akan menerima ijazah dan pulang ke Malaysia, meneroka alam baharu. Masalah yang saban hari saya dengar hanya di ruang maya akan tampil lebih zahir - di tambah lagi dengan tuntutan-tuntutan lain yang semestinya menuntut komitmen kewangan dan kemampuan saya.

Allah, kepada-Mu aku berserah. Jangan biarkan diri ini walau sekelip mata.

Now that I'm in New York.....

I

Who'd ever thought, you can become so vulnerable only because of waiting. After missing five to six flights for 22 hours of waiting, I started to crack down. The torment is just unbearable after I had not get cleared from the stand-by lists. I called MAS Town Office in LA. They can't do much thing but the host was kind enough to tell me that 1.25 pm flight was wide open - and I might stand a chance to have my name cleared. 

But that didn't happen. 

I was so frustrated, thinking I might not even got a chance to come back. You know, the signs when the nerve got into you - the uneasiness, the urge to inflict harm, the desperation and the frustation. I don't know how can I even became so emotional, perhaps due to the lack of sleep, eat and rest. 

But I continued praying - not to lose hope from Allah. Allah answered me in a very beautiful way - the next flight I boarded in. 

I prayed, and sought forgiveness from Allah. Knowing that what I went through was nothing compared to our brothers and sisters at the other corners of the globe. 

I have to sit and sleep in an airconditioned airport but some of our brothers have to sit and sleep, exposed to the sky - and even bullets and mortars!

I persuade myself that this might be kifarah or even tarbiyyah - that sometimes you just have to wait in uncertainty but sure the help will come. 

When it comes, you are at the top of the world but never, never ever forget Allah. 

He made us waiting, inasmuch to educate us - and to test our faith. Haven't it come to our knowledge in one hadith qudsi, Allah ordered Gabrael to hold someone's wish just because Allah loves to listen to His servant asking from us? Besides, Allah knows best right?

Waiting doesn't mean you don't have to do anything. Although when it seems there is no plausible way out from the conflict you're in, do something. Apart from it might do help on you, doing something will actually keep your hopes high. Hope is what drives you to be patient and persevere. Hope is the universal language why we even continue to exist on this cruel world. 

Hope is a prayer, that all of us have in our heart and there is none other than Allah the Almighty, the all-Wise Himself is worthy of being put hope. He is al-Samad, the Eternal that everyone turns to. 

Hope on His mercy, because even everything seems to deteriorate to the worst pit one could ever imagine, His mercy encompasses everything and goes beyond anything. 

Ini bukan masjid

Ini bukan masjid, jadi ini bukanlah MABIT ataupun qiamullail perdana. 

Inilah keadaannya, penerbangan penuh setelah mencuba nasib daripada pukul 8.30 malam tadi. Seterusnya ialah pada pukul 7 pagi - oleh itu marilah tidur di Lapangan Terbang Antarabangsa Los Angeles. 

Moga Allah permudahkan, dan mana-mana yang telah hadir menduga, moga Allah jadikan kifarah. 

Dan doa untuk saudara-saudara umat Islam di seantero dunia. 

So finally it's Senior Year

I am currently using the bless and bliss of internet connection in Narita Airport. 

I am three to four days late for my classes and it is all because of the congestion where the flights are overbooked for these two weeks. Bad news for stand-by passengers like me, I have to wait - and for my case even rerouted my flight.  

Yes, no Europe. Have to go all the way to LAX then to JFK. More expensive and longer flight :(

Nevertheless, I always like Narita. Speedy wi-fi, and with toilet like this, which Asian doesn't find it interesting?

Automated, have the tap water option to do istinja' (unlike in Europe and America where you only can use toilet paper). 

Oh by the way, it's my senior year too! 

Tuhan, bantulah!

Dengan nama Tuhan yang Maha Pemurah lagi Maha Mengasihani.

Allah. Saya tak tahu bagaimana mahu bermula.

Dipendam dalam diam - tapi tidak juga beroleh jawapan.

Isu yang berputar dalam zaman kini, baik sekitar dunia islam atau dunia secara amnya.

Saya manusia biasa, yang punya impian mahu melihat dunia ini dalam sinar rahmat. Mungkin saya terlalu gelojoh mahu melihat segalanya berubah menurut kemahuan saya. 

Ah bodohnya saya!

Bagaimana mahu melihat kejayaan jika saya pun takut-takut mahu mencelupkan diri dalam perjuangan.

Berjingkit-jingkit dalam jalan yang saya percaya.

Sertailah banyak perkara pun - jika tiada kesungguhan dan jiddiyah, bagaimana mahu menghadap dunia yang penuh pancaroba ini?

Hari ini saya melihat dunia dan masalah-masalahnya seperti anak kecil di dalam buaian melihat tangisan ibunya.

Tidak memahami, jauh lagi mampu membantu.

Ah. Sungguh, Nabi itu diutuskan untuk menyempurnakan akhlak. Selepas kewafatan Baginda SAW kejayaan demi kejayaan menghurung islam melalui kepimpinan sahabat-sahabat rahm yang terpimpin.

Kita (baca: saya) terbayang-bayang saat-saat gemilang islam. Sedangkan kalau sejarah itu ditebar dan diulit satu persatu, tidak semuanya cantik. Ada selit-selit lumut dan juga koyak rabak nilai dalamnya. 

Jadi benar, setiap zaman ada musibah dan cabaran yang tersendiri. Masakah tidak, bukan hidup ini ujian? Dalam skala besar atau kecilnya seorang insan.

Dan semua itu bermula, dengan 13 tahun Nabi SAW dan sahabat yang terawal di Makkah menghadapi penindasan, penolakan, kekejaman.

Kini sejarah bagai berulang kembali.

Tetapi lebih sulit kerana tiada Nabi SAW untuk memimpin dan mendamaikan. Memujuk dan memotivasikan.

Kita ada al-Quran yang lengkap dan sunnah peninggalan baginda.

Dan umat islam yang entah mengapa, sering bercakaran - lantaran akhlak yang belum sempurna untuk menerima dan menjalankan tugas abid dan khalifah.

Allah. Tunjukkan aku ilmu yang buahnya akhlak.

Allah, jauhkan aku dari wahan dan nifaq.

Allah. 

Crippled Respect.

I plan to write this to a newspaper, but I think I just pour it down right here, in this un-updated blog. There are already voices (yeah, I know. It's just one) which want me to update my blog.

My sister, for her post-SPM past times worked at a fast food (?) franchise in Selangor, with our two cousins who are the same age. They worked diligently (I heard) and caused some disagreement in the franchise.

Why?

Well, you know. Not many have the same adherence to Islam - and my cousins and sister, Alhamdulillah, never missed their prayers and they did not plan to miss the prayers while their working either. So, long story short, the observance to prayer was being opposed by their superior, with excuse that it will compromise their work hours. That is one. The other thing is, they chose to wear handsocks (the kind of clothing that cover your arms if you have to wear a short-sleeved shirt) because the uniform given is short-sleeved. That also, was raised as an issue. And there was also issue about payment, something about they were not being paid at the right time with the right amount.

The issue here, that I would like to attenuate, is the respect. Civil right is one thing - how could in a self-claimed Islamic country the workers are being denied their right to practice their religion? The argument "ala orang lain boleh je buat" is really annoying and doesn't reflect respect to one's practice. If orthopraxy is something forbidden only because other people does not do it, I don't know what will happen to this society. The norms conduct everything, and even infiltrate our beliefs. This is where respect should come in. It's OK to be in a state of disagreement, but do respect. In the US, my friend is even given a spot for him to pray and it is OK with the management. One thing though, for those who are given permission to observe their prayer, do not abuse it by idling around in the prayer room. That is a tarnish to our religion.

Respect must not only come in disagreement, but also in terms of difference. What I mean by this is, no matter how inferior a person to us (or how different one is) we are in no right to disrespect it or deny him or her the rights that we think they should earn. I give you an example, other that the payment case I stated above just because my sister and our cousins were part-time workers, is seniority in boarding school. I am a product of a state religious school and we are no exception. When the Form 1 enters the school, so many restrictions and orders are applied to them but not other students. The reason is mainly, this is just the process they need to go through as we already went through. Please. This cycle which has embedded deeply in the minds of rising seniors is a total fallacy and does not promote a positive attitudes among students. I am not generalize things over all the students in all boarding school but this is a mindset that we need to attend, and rectify as we could.

The issue does not stop there, it is the same with the internship/practical period of undergraduate students. Again, some not all have to undergo something that is not even remotely related to the office work let alone their field of study. Buying drinks for their superior colleagues or some petty works that they could do by themselves are so silly - and then they talk about how inexperienced fresh graduates are. That, sir, is because they are not given the chance to learn the right thing while they were doing their internship.

This is a common middle class citizen problem - but the contention, the crippled respect, does not disappear suddenly as we go up the societal hierarchy. In fact it grew bigger. When the case of Sarawakian's was exposed by Global Witness, some names of hot shots are out to the public. They (the culprits who sell the state-owned land to foreign developers) know what they were doing is wrong, but asserting it to be OK since they are not the only one doing it (refer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1RRNggnM6A)

What's wrong with you people? In my opinion, why they dare to do it is because they have no respect to the rakyat who they owe for electing them to office (not the other way round!) - to speak in mundane tone.

They have no respect to the rakyat merely because they think that the rakyat do not know this or need not to know this as long as they have a place to call home. The lawyer even called the innocent Orang Asal (aborigins) as "blind". What is sadder is, the same people are still in power today and all the they were acquitted from all the allegations. 

The issue of respect - it is a wave that is getting larger as it goes up the string of social status. It starts little and ends big. It escapes many people and sadly our leaders too who, among many people, are supposed to show the right thing to do, fail us miserably.

Maybe, as for our mentality now, it is quite hard to mention the terms - "Respecting the Law" or "Respect the God". If the real people whom we deal with and see everyday, we are to deny our obligation to respect them - how can we be expected to fulfill our obligation to entities that we can't see (note: can't see doesn't mean it doesn't exist).

You might respect God, but do not respect His creations or the other way round. In any ways, this should be consistent, and neglecting one or the other is a contradictory. Even if you do not believe in God, you must have respect to the Ultimate Being, or the Law, if you prefer, that governs all the things (I do not want to start with the argument why God must exist  for the sake of this entry, and don't mistake me for a pluralist).

I don't even want to start on "respecting customers" or "respecting other road users". When I was in the overseas, I am totally humbled by their etiquette that is so different, in a good way, with ours. No wonder, the world revolves around them for the time being. Muslims are so eager to achieve power, that we forgot little things also matter. 

With that, I rest my case - but not my actions. Be the change that we want.

Wallahua'lam.

Di Jeti Merdeka

Di jeti merdeka,

Jauh kumemerhatikan

dari ufuk timur merentas barat

dari utara melangkau selatan

Semboyan demi semboyan 

lantang berbunyi

dalam riuh jeti merdeka

Nakhoda segak berdiri

kru tua membongkok ke bumi 

walau kepala mencongak tinggi

dan muda setia di sisi

menanti masa memeram isi

Semboyan demi semboyan berbunyi

bahtera tetap kaku mengapung janji

layar demokrasi tiada bertirai

sauh keangkuhan jauh membumi

di dasar laut budi

Suara demi suara memekik harap

mahu menjulang mimpi

Bahtera ini membelah lautan alami

Tukul besi berbunyi segangar

Keluar jika hati tiada gemar!

Tidak sekali tidak!

Ini bahtera kami

Bahtera nusa di jeti merdeka

Kami akan menanti

walau dirusuh ombak jeti

walau lepuh memakan hati

Saat bahtera ini belayar jua

Saat suara berteriak dalam senada

"Ayuh bahtera, kita belayar dan belajar di laut kehidupan dengan hati penuh keinsafan,

Laut penuh gelora ini

Entah apa datang menduga!"

1.49 pm

Atas sofa

Tempoh Menunggu

Aku terdengar-dengar bahawa Tuhan itu punya cara-Nya yang maha misterius lagi tersendiri dalam mengatur kehidupan manusia. Ya, mungkin ada benarnya. Aku tak tahu.

Apa-apa yang saya tahu ialah: kehidupan ini merunsingkan. Selalu sahaja terjadi apa-apa yang bukan kita ingini, tetapi di akhirnya ia menjadi. Jadi runsing juga jaringan sel neuron saya menebak dan menelah dalam lipatan kehidupan jika punya hikmah yang teselit. Selalunya kejumpaan, tetapi sering sahaja didahului oleh amarah yang tidak berhulu, dek gagal membendung ceteknya akal (dan hati) dalam melihat.

Perihal diriku? Aku ini manusia yang mahukan segera dan disegerakan. Aku jelek beratur dan aku tidak faham mengapa penduduk di negeri atas angin ini rela menunggu dan berbaris hanya untuk hidangan tengah hari di restoran tertentu. Kadang-kadang ada juga yang menggelarku gopoh - tetapi aku janji diriku bukanlah segopoh mana. Cuma, saat dibulatkan azam dan tekad lekas aku bertindak tanpa jauh memikirkan. Kadang-kadang ia menjadi, dan kadang-kadang mengundang rugi. Oleh itu, lekas aku segera menyedapkan hati - setiap manusia ada hak dan rezekinya masing-masing, tidak terkecuali diriku.

Saat inilah aku melihat, Tuhan maha Kuasa, pemilik sekalian alam ini punya rencana yang bijaksana. Ya, aku gopoh. Maka sengaja (ini tebakan aku, maafkan jika salah) dimintanya aku menunggu dan bersabar. Terkadang naik runsing juga dibuatnya. Tetapi, inilah seni menunggu mungkin. Penantian yang bersulam sabar dan tindakan.

Maka atas beberapa siri kejadian, jelas diputuskan tempoh menungguku mungkin sahaja akan berpanjangan - tidak seperti yang kuidamkan atau bayangkan.

Ya, Tuhan mahu aku bersabar mungkin, dan aku percaya Dia punya sesuatu yang lebih baik, atau paling kurang - sama baik - yang direncanakan untukku. Bukankah Allah itu kebanyakan daripada sangkaan hamba-hamba-Nya? Lebih cantik mungkin inilah ujian supaya aku lebih benar dalam tindakanku, dan kata-kataku. Mana mungkin cakap-cakap itu dilepaskan tanpa tuntutan. Maka iman dan taqwa yang aku dakwa diperam dalam hati ini menuntut pembuktian. Maka datanglah ujian Tuhan. Juga aku berharap, ujian itu bermata dua, satu yang lateralnya untuk menguji; dua yang tersiratnya untuk mencuci - dosa-dosa silam yang entah padam atau tidak dalam linang air mataku.

Jadi aku hanya mampu berusaha dalam lingkupku.

Dan terus berusaha.

Sehinggalah saat bahagia dibongkarkan - maka itu akan menjadi pemula untuk usaha baru.