Favorite Color

"... it's like when people asked me, 'what's your favorite color?' To be honest I don't know. My favorite color for eye is green, for sky it's blue and so on.." claimed Dr. Borges who was notoriously famed for being a very strict Professor -- especially when it comes to mobile phones and tardiness, two humongous offense you can ever do in his class. Oh yes, and also to speak the name of Lord in vain (he self-proclaimed himself as a republican and want to die as a Christian).

I have forgotten for what instance he referred that analogy to, and heck, I am probably the only one in class to remember that from him --among many others, like a very rare rare event of Dr. Borges' attempt to speak in Malay (he had lived in Malaysia for over twenty years). I had three classes taught by him and I am not even certain in which class he said that.

Coming back to what he said, it was a simple analogy but it gives me a new perspective; however mundane or routine something is, it is better explained or answered with context.

Seek context before attesting to anything.

That's it.

Wow. I actually had an idea of what to write this morning, but it's all getting fuzzy now in my head. With a runny nose, heavy eyelid and cracking head ache, all I want to do is get home and sleep (probably meet a doctor for an MC tomorrow). The only thing that is coming to my mind is this quote from him.

Count my Blessing (well, I can't really)

I have  a very personal mission. Well, not really. It's just that I have laid out in my head, what my future would be.

However, looking down the lane of memory, what I plan is not necessarily what happened. I wanted to be a scientist, actually a physicist (I am not now) since I was five or six, I wanted to study in UK or Germany (I did not), and I wanted to marry early, probably around 23-24 (I know I still have a year, but there is very very very unlikely).

Yet, it does not turn out to be that bad. I am actually a graduate in geosciences (still in science). I studied in the US, and marriage, well that's a tough one. We'll see.

So alhamdulillah!

Currently I am doing my apprenticeship training in a regulator body at Cyberjaya under Talentcorp. Well the job scope is totally out of my wildest dream of what-I-will-do-after-I-graduated. I think this is actually good though. I am now in Policy Development Division, so I am working on ad hoc instances to do research on policies stuffs --which is good, because I plan to be a policy-maker one day (and I am pretty good at research and reading apparently so that's also good).

I am also waiting for my offer letter for my graduate study at UKM to pursue my interest , in geology or specifically in hydrogeology or to be more specific in aquifer basin studies. I realized at one point my interest overlap with civil/environmental engineering, but that's fine. There's nothing wrong in picking up new skills (not skills actually, just knowledge).

So alhamdulillah!

Pau Panas!

Hmmm.

There are many things happening in Malaysia - and a fairly as much in my mind. Which is why, among many reasons, I stopped logging in into Facebook (maybe once or twice a week).

My friend described this as a "reverse culture shock". After years spending my time in a developed country with a (relatively) functional civil society, of course I have certain views on what Malaysia should be, and do, as a country. Sadly, I haven't answered (or found?) the question "how" and when I came back, it was too much for me to handle (plus with other personal commitments and expectations). The thoughts --and sentiments living in a developed country --lingered and dragged me down.

I am drowned, in my own thoughts. Endless layers of propositions and consequences. 

Man, I thought I am supposed to stop from being melancholic.

===

It is  that season again. The season where supposedly aspiring faces of Malaysian feudalism and nationalism rise and talk.

I thought it is gonna be different this time around. All these talks and promises to revolutionize UMNO and make them more "youthful" and more inclusive policies and approach --well, they are all talk. 

I just don't get it. Every year, PAU will be like an arena where warriors will show how shiny their old ancient sacred swords, brandished with new decorations only to be applauded. Same old, same old. And it seems that the speakers are only considering the heated clamorous air within the party only, as if the country can't move without the party. 

Probably that's true. With UMNO holds the biggest power in BN coalition and a simple majority in the parliament, they can pass any law to their benefit. Actually, it's not we the citizens who can't live without them --it's them who can move on without us. I thought, from the latest GE trend, and the constant criticizing of our ex-PM, they would dial down a bit and really emphasize on inclusiveness, or in plain words, to make Malaysia belongs to all Malaysians. Boy,was I wrong! 

Sedition Act is here to stay although in 2012 they pledge to have it replaced with Akta Keharmonian Nasional. Probably after various arrests happened for the last few months, have opened their eyes of how useful the Act is. So good bye freedom of speech and academic freedom and hello to vague definition of sedition.

On the few improvements on Sedition Act the PM announced, on surface, it actually does not add clarity to the Act. One it will include clauses for Islam and other religion (s) and second to any call for Sabah and Sarawak to secede.

Well the first one sounds vague and the second one could be a stretch. I do agree that Sabah and Sarawak should be focused more by the Federal Government, not just in development but also in law (and probably moral?) enforcement. Even my professor is complaining the deforestation happening in Sarawak is a violation to the nature and a major contribution to Malaysia's highly alarming rate of species extinction (well, after so many drops in list, at least we top that --also our shopping malls, the fourth comfiest in the whole world!). Their development is pretty much slow although they are rich in natural resources. 

But PAU is not finished yet. Probably there will be better instances, who knows. At least, people like Dato' Saifudin Abdullah, the CEO of Gerakan Moderat Malaysia and Datuk Nur Jazlan, the chariman of Public Account Committee are there to stay in UMNO. Although their voices and concern do not resonate loud in UMNO, these are the faint whisper of guidance. There is still hope in UMNO. 

Melankolik

Sebenarnya kalau asyik bermelankolik, bagaimana mahu pujuk hati bukan?

Alhamdulillah

A Thought from the (not so past) Past

It has been long since I wrote anything in this blog, and now I am days away from my graduation. That also remarks the finish line of my undergraduate studies.


Do I feel sad? Yes.

Do I feel satisfied? No.



Partly because although I learned a lot from my stay in the US, I still think I haven't done enough. Is that normal? My friend suggested that I am undergoing a fatigue phase --and probably being back in Malaysia can help me recover. Who knows, maybe.

I am in a critical junction in my life, where the years I have ahead is defined by the decisions I make. Should I do this or do that? Endless series of questions come over and over my head, being played repeatedly like a broken cassette.

During these moments, I have to ask myself what I really want to do the most --and just go for it. But of course, personal motive is never an enough force to drive me, or maybe that's just me. There are social and financial circumstances that have to been considered. Maybe that's an excuse but that's how world works. Again, maybe that's just me.

Five years or process, I can tell sure enough that I am not the same person when I graduated from high school. That 17 year old boy who thinks he can achieve everything if he tries hard enough, who is convicted to do what he believes to do --that there is an answer in everything if you knew where to look for.

Yes, some of the thing might be still true, the reality is always harder when you have to face it head on. I tried, for five years, and maybe because of the lack of trying, my ideal self look at me with such disdain. It's not that I am not grateful. But just to be satisfied with what you have and have no sense whatsoever to critically introspect and evaluate yourself is the biggest point of deceit.

===

I wrote above paragraphs when I was days before my graduation. Now I graduated, and nothing much changed.

Unfortunately.

A Promise

 I promise myself, almost every day, that I will write.

But the passion, ideas and drive quickly dissipate once I am halfway writing my thoughts.

Maybe, I overthink.

NO it definitely is.