Sunday, November 23, 2014

A Thought from the (not so past) Past

It has been long since I wrote anything in this blog, and now I am days away from my graduation. That also remarks the finish line of my undergraduate studies.

Do I feel sad? Yes.

Do I feel satisfied? No.

Partly because although I learned a lot from my stay in the US, I still think I haven't done enough. Is that normal? My friend suggested that I am undergoing a fatigue phase --and probably being back in Malaysia can help me recover. Who knows, maybe.

I am in a critical junction in my life, where the years I have ahead is defined by the decisions I make. Should I do this or do that? Endless series of questions come over and over my head, being played repeatedly like a broken cassette.

During these moments, I have to ask myself what I really want to do the most --and just go for it. But of course, personal motive is never an enough force to drive me, or maybe that's just me. There are social and financial circumstances that have to been considered. Maybe that's an excuse but that's how world works. Again, maybe that's just me.

Five years or process, I can tell sure enough that I am not the same person when I graduated from high school. That 17 year old boy who thinks he can achieve everything if he tries hard enough, who is convicted to do what he believes to do --that there is an answer in everything if you knew where to look for.

Yes, some of the thing might be still true, the reality is always harder when you have to face it head on. I tried, for five years, and maybe because of the lack of trying, my ideal self look at me with such disdain. It's not that I am not grateful. But just to be satisfied with what you have and have no sense whatsoever to critically introspect and evaluate yourself is the biggest point of deceit.


I wrote above paragraphs when I was days before my graduation. Now I graduated, and nothing much changed.


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