Transfer to https://medium.com/@syazwanadzhar

I read my entries and I was so disappointed with the glaring grammar, punctuation, diction and silly mistakes. In an effort to re-brand myself, and my writing I chose to move to the more chic website, as linked in the title. 

Just like Abbasid wanted to have a break from Umayyad legacy by changing its capital from Damascus to Baghdad. 

Changes need new and preferably fresh scene. 

nojustkiddingbloggerisdeadbye

I'm robbed, help!

I'm getting busier now. I have received more responsibility from my seniors and been getting our office late now (partly because I came in late).

Nevertheless, not that I did not enjoy my job, I just feel my time is robbed now. I go back late, which always force me to drop by a Masjid on my way home for Maghrib prayer. Usually I reach home around the time for Isya'.

So I'll be reaching my home around 9 - and always feeling tired. Unless I have a prior appointment, I will just either studying Japanese, or reading book until 10-11 pm and go to sleep. Or worse, I browse through twitter idling around unproductively. Unfortunately, the latter is happening more often.

So today, after meeting up with my friends I passed by Bangsar South from Kerinchi LRT. It surprises me that at 10 there are still people going back from work. Granted, they probably meeting people or have a few important jobs to finish after all. But when I walked by in the glimpses of the white lights of rising office buildings, few lights are still on! I glanced over my watch and it is past 10 pm already. Can you really work that? How about work-life balance?

Then I reasoned, what if your work is what makes you happy - then there, it's your life!

I just sighed. Nowadays, that the things that I can really do well. There is something about sighing that while unproductive in many scenarios, it helps you to release. As if the heavy breath your lungs exhale, is contained with percentage of your concerns and problems. It does not solve anything, true. But it helps you.

Or maybe deep inhaling does.

Something to do with lungs I guess, that has heart sandwiched between.

Probably that is! Your lungs are the (partial) conduit for the worries of your heart.


Meh.



Counting my blessings, I am really grateful for a job but money never seems enough. With a very conservative rate my company provides, I still manage to save quite a few bucks from my monthly salary - but that is with me not having any commitment. I'm thinking of getting myself a motorcycle but I'm hesitating because I still need my car when the office scheduled for a site (which is always, always only one to two day prior notice) and the flat I'm living enough isn't really conducive for parking your car. 

There are another two items that sucking my savings. Prepaid Top-Up and Food. I tried to limit myself for RM 50/mo but I never succeeded. I already have a broadband service going on but I still need my data for some purposes. While food, this month, I have been spending like a lot on them. 

Judgment

I just realized - while some are struggling to not to have themselves being defines by others, the same people may try their best to "direct" others to define them in ways they want. 

i.e I don't want you to judge me that way so I said something to let you judge in the way I wanted it to be. 

Funny. Sometimes in our means to run from others' expectation we invite them to expect the other way around. And the only reason we allow it to happen (that it's okay) is simply because we expect it ourselves. 

So Ayn Rand is right? This is in many instances that being selfish is moral because we can't help ourselves to not to be selfish? 

Questions by questions

Career does change people - and when I am in that phase I can see why people act and decide the way they decide. Something that I could never emphatize, until I am wearing their shoes. 

I was ironing my shirts for my day job while my mind wandered - or blanked - thinking of my day job. I told myself to be patient, and then counting days for my salary to be in, then I stopped. 

Why? Salary is the only consolation of why am I doing what I am doing now? Before I worked I told everyone that I will like this job. It's what I learned in university - my prefered career or so to say; it pays me reasonably (it's certainly not high I told you); it is for a huge multinational company - I can't understand why I am feeling what I feel now. 

A deeper, introspective projection into myself reveals one thing. The job does not force me to crack my brain. I mainly do what's been told, following myriads of SOPs and policies. I can't blame anyone. I was forewarned in my interview that the task of the job will definitely be routine, and at my stage before I venture into more managerial position I will have to undergo at least two years of nitty gritty experience build-up. 

I accepted it. It all made sense. "Do not underestimate the power of repetition," four months into the job and now my mind is all occupied with "I am not doing enough" 

It's easy to blame your surrounding than to blame yourself. I know I should be positive, work harder and diligently to achieve what I want to achieve. But what if, what I want to achieve is a way out?

I tried to not to entertain that possibility much for a very solid reason: I don't want to be a quitter. I don't want to be a typical milennial that does not value hardship and experience. At the same time I don't want to be blindly following that path that I think was set for me, without making any concrete effort in creating the future that I want it to be. 

The major block of creating the future I want is risk. What is the risk worth taking and what's not? Should I only wait what life will throw at me and handle it accordingly or be proactive as a fox waiting up for his prey and sneak on the prey, instinctively? 

I don't know and perhaps I will never know the answers. Like a bubble at the fringe of an oscillating wave, life proceeds  in a direction without any moment wasted. 

Yes, life does not waste a moment. I do. Whether it's for the present or the future, moments should not be wasted. 

update: Hopin' little Hopin' Hope

I got the answer. Finally.

Or more like I was reminded with the answer.

Five Months ago

I was still enjoying my leisure while deeply panicking about the state of the progress of doctorate studies. That is until, I got a phone call, calling me in for an interview. The company was unheard of, I found it on Linkedin and applied for it mainly because its scope of work and requirements match my undergraduate studies.

A quick search on the Internet reveal that the company was among the largest engineering/environmental consultancy in the world. Who wouldn't be excited for that?

Three months ago

I finally got the job after two months of one more interviews and multiple email correspondences. My Ph.D supervisor was encouraging me to quit my Ph.D since scholarship was nowhere in sight. I told him about my University College London offer for MSc and he encouraged me to go too.

My uncles were excited - only then I knew most of them do not agree with my decision to further my studies. It wasn't obvious before; but the way they commented and advised me in regards to securing myself a job was a clear indicator. I better off working.

It was another story for my parents. They, as supportive as they always be, listen to my rationals to do somethings and will offer their advise. I thought they were excited for me to secure a job - and they did. It's just that they were not as excited when I said I secure myself a post graduate studies. My parents even went to the extent of supporting my Ph.D if I don't have any scholarship - although we are not anywhere wealthy. It's funny, most of my teachers concur that I should not stop my post-graduate studies; and my aunties too hold the same view.

Will I just letting go my dreams of having a doctorate degree? Nope. Never. It's still carved neatly on my plan. But working does not seem to be a bad idea. It's a prestigious company, doing exactly the thing I expected my degree to bring me to - only with little less of wages than I'm hoping for.

I took up the job, as an environmental scientist.


Today

I had my two-week field work in Kelantan. I learnt a lot despite the fervent heat and swarm of hunger laden mosquitoes lavishing on my blood. Today I took a day off after two weeks including weekends and Awal Muharram public holiday working and went to visit my school. Usually chatting with my teachers add some perspective that chatting with my parents cannot - which is a good thing.

Many are still supporting me to further my studies, to not to stop trying even though I have a job now. Not to say that I dislike the job I am doing, but it does not give the same satisfaction or content that I did something. I can live with it, but I am not sure I can live the job.

Luckily I had my fair share of volunteering teaching kids near my flat. That is really something that I look forward every day. I truly enjoy it.

Then, it reminds me of how can I combine my passion for geosciences and teaching IF I set myself to become an academic. It's really what I am looking for in a job. I can learn, share, and teach - all at the same time. When you are doing routine work - and being paid for it, it's easy to be drowned in the cycle of doing the same thing, and forgetting the main reason you are in it at the first place.

Taking a day off and just following my gut of what to do really pays off. My original plan was to me my ex-supervisor at UKM and then go to my secondary school. I was not sure why, I just feel like doing so. I just feel that I need it. However, my ex-supervisor had to postpone the meeting so I just made my way to my school.

To be reminded that I should pursue my dream gives me courage and strength to do so. Currently, I am in the middle of completing a scholarship application to secure a financial backing for my graduate studies. I knew I should not raise my hopes high, but I am feeling good about it.

I hope. 

Wall Street Journal dan #SayaZahra

Banyak sangat isu yang berlaku kebelakangan ini - sampai saya jadi runsing nak beri pendapat. Eh tapi bukan orang tanya pun, betul tak? Tak payahlah  nak kisah-kisah beri pendapat.


Haha. Tetapi sebab ini ialah blog saya, dan saya yang tulis, maka saya nukilkan juga. Sebab, mengapa tidak?

1MDB, WSJ dan Penyelewengan Najib Razak.

Ah, ini kena komen ke? Baiklah. WSJ tu majalah ekonomi  terkemuka. Dan bagi yang pro-pembangkang, atau pro-Kerajaan yang tidak menyukai kepimpinan Najib Razak, ini memang satu berita gembira.

"Sepandai-pandai tupai melompat akhirnya jatuh ke tanah jua,"

Tetapi memandangkan isu ini masih dalam siasatan - saya mengharapkan pihak yang menyiasat berlaku jujur. Bukan calang-calang. Ini hampir RM 2 billion masuk ke akaun PERIBADI tertuduh. WSJ sudah keluarkan di Internet dokumen-dokumen yang menjadi bukti mereka. Tidak kisahlah kalau wang yang digunankan untuk tujuan bukan peribadi, ia masih lagi salah. Tetapi yang tertuduh sudah (1) menafikan beliau menerima duit tersebut; (2) mengatakan siasatan akan dilakukan ialah jika ada salah guna dana untuk kepentingan peribadi. Pernyataan no. 2 bahaya sebenarnya kerana beliah seolah-olah mengatakan bahawa dia ADA MENERIMA duit tersebut, tetapi tidak digunakan untuk kepentingan peribadi (?). Ah tetapi bukan saya pun yang mengeluarkan teori ini, media alternatif dah lama pusingkan.

Kemudian isu akaun Rosmah --ala, malaslah.

Saya setuju dengan Ust Haron Din, seseorang tidak bersalah selagi belum dibuktikan bersalah. Maka sebagai rakyat marhaen yang kaitannya dengan kes ini tiadalah beza dengan kaitan keracunan merkuri di Laut Artik bagi ikan yang tinggal di Teluk Mexico, saya berharaplah pihak berkuasa yang menyiasat berlaku jujur dan adil.

Soal ketirisan pemimpin ini memang benda berat. Lagi berat daripada kes curi telefon pintar di Low Yat


#SayaZahra

disklaimer: Saya taklah dengar habis video dia. Beberapa minit dengar orang mengeluh tak habis-habis pasal nasib dia bukanlah sesuatu yang idea. Tiada fakta melainkan pengalaman dan sentimen peribadi.

Tetapi saya faham. Ramai yang melarat. Betul dia kesian. Tetapi bukan tiada jalan penyelesaiannya. Entahlah jika kisah hidup dia yang konon "kais pagi makan pagi, kais petang makan petang" tidak diceritakan, atau kisah di hujung bulan dia terpaksa naik kenderaan awam dan malu; mungkin rayuannya lebih bermakna.

Tetapi apa yang disampaikan ialah apa yang dia alami. 23, dengan ijazah yang tak diiktiraf, keluarga punya kereta untuk dipinjamkan saya rasa dia okay. Dia bimbang keterlaluan. Ah, 23 tidak punya kereta mahupun rumah itu perkara biasa - dan wajar. Jadi harus tekun berusaha dan sabar.

Apa yang saya tidak puas hati ialah rayuannya yang berbaur kemelayuan. Saya penat sebenarnya jadi bangsa yang "entitled" ini. Kita seolah-olah bergantungharap kepada kerajaan untuk "melebih-lebih"kan kita.

Saya pernah jumpa bangsa Cina dan India yang lebih melarat - kenapa tiada bantuan diberikan? Saya percaya, bantuan berasaskan bangsa perlu dikurangkan secara berperingkat (dan sangatlah tidak membantu apabila melalui sistem merit, walau daripada golongan berada turut diberikan bantuan), dan ditumpukan untuk mereka yang betul-betul susah, tanpa mengira bangsa.

Itu Malaysia yang saya mahu.

Separation: Lil' Sister in Penang

Today, my parents and I sent off one of my younger sisters to ILP in Nibong Tebal. Penang. It's the beginning of Ramadhan and according to the schedule my sister gets, she won't get any off until one day before Raya.

What makes us anxious was my sister, she's never been away from home. After her SPM, we were quite worried that she won't get any place - and she didn't seem to care either. Well, you can't really tell by her constant stare to the screens: TV, iPads - and her choice of programme doesn't really appeal to me. It was her older sisters who sat through with her, filling up the UPU application and all. She wasn't standing out in school, not sociable nor active, but we understand, that's just how she is.

It's until from the vacation we had in November that my sister said, "Tak sabar nak belajar jauh-jauh, naik kereta api," 

That come to me as a shock. Knowing her, she would never want to stay away without my parents. She never had sleepover in the cousins' house nor any of her friends. So for her to decide that is quite amazing, and I didn't take it seriously, of course.

Then the offer came in, for her to enrol in Sijil Percetakan in Nibong Tebal. She loves reading novels, and always helped my mom dealing with the printer - I guess the course itself isn't bad. What's bad is it's in Nibong Tebal. That's far considering her two older sisters are just half-an-hour and an hour away from home, in Bangi and KL respectively. She have no choice apparently since the course only offered there, and she was rather overwhelmed by which courses she should choose. So when the offer came in - she accepted. She slept on it for a few days then she rather fixed on it.

My parents still entertained the idea that she might not go and we did try to inspect other institutions of the same function - but it was hopeless. Nibong Tebal it is.

The institution wasn't bad - in fact, it might be great for her. However most of the students are actually from around: Penang, Perak and Kedah. She and maybe few others (probably very few) - and she might be the only one from Nilai, Negeri Sembilan. Her roommate is living nearby too, and she told my sister that she'll be home often. The institute encourages them to do so.

I was away before, and I understand the value of separation but that was only when I was 20. Furthermore, I had my two years in INTI to prep myself with and friends who share the same fate. But this time, I felt differently. Probably because I was once at her side too, and now I am on my parents' side. God, this feeling. Maybe I felt guilty too because I pushed her to find a place to study. We did try to find nearer places to home, but none of them suit her interest.

She faced it rather well. I didn't see any tears jerking off her eyes. She was rather strong. Almost 18 years of her life, my family and I didn't give the credit she deserves. She's rather dependable and quite good in doing house chores, yes, but to expect her being away studying in something we never expected from her. Now that she's doing exactly that, it is applaudable and for her circumstance, pretty amazing!

I really hope she does well in ILP Nibong Tebal: make some friends whom she can depend on and in turn (or rather in process) they can depend on her, and can adapt to course she's taking. I really hope so.

Once we reached home, our family was busy devising the best way she should travel home. Probably the ones who are more anxious about this are my Parents and followed by her older siblings. The manager in the institute gives his words to my parents that even him can send her off to Butterworth (apparently the nearest public transportation hub, one hour away by car). Luckily the place isn't that far from my father's hometown, Taiping; and Nibong Tebal is only 30 mins away. So maybe my uncle will be kind enough to assist her.

Ah, did I say that our whole family and I did not give her enough credit? She did well today and hope continues doing so. She deserves more credit!