Questions by questions

Career does change people - and when I am in that phase I can see why people act and decide the way they decide. Something that I could never emphatize, until I am wearing their shoes. 

I was ironing my shirts for my day job while my mind wandered - or blanked - thinking of my day job. I told myself to be patient, and then counting days for my salary to be in, then I stopped. 

Why? Salary is the only consolation of why am I doing what I am doing now? Before I worked I told everyone that I will like this job. It's what I learned in university - my prefered career or so to say; it pays me reasonably (it's certainly not high I told you); it is for a huge multinational company - I can't understand why I am feeling what I feel now. 

A deeper, introspective projection into myself reveals one thing. The job does not force me to crack my brain. I mainly do what's been told, following myriads of SOPs and policies. I can't blame anyone. I was forewarned in my interview that the task of the job will definitely be routine, and at my stage before I venture into more managerial position I will have to undergo at least two years of nitty gritty experience build-up. 

I accepted it. It all made sense. "Do not underestimate the power of repetition," four months into the job and now my mind is all occupied with "I am not doing enough" 

It's easy to blame your surrounding than to blame yourself. I know I should be positive, work harder and diligently to achieve what I want to achieve. But what if, what I want to achieve is a way out?

I tried to not to entertain that possibility much for a very solid reason: I don't want to be a quitter. I don't want to be a typical milennial that does not value hardship and experience. At the same time I don't want to be blindly following that path that I think was set for me, without making any concrete effort in creating the future that I want it to be. 

The major block of creating the future I want is risk. What is the risk worth taking and what's not? Should I only wait what life will throw at me and handle it accordingly or be proactive as a fox waiting up for his prey and sneak on the prey, instinctively? 

I don't know and perhaps I will never know the answers. Like a bubble at the fringe of an oscillating wave, life proceeds  in a direction without any moment wasted. 

Yes, life does not waste a moment. I do. Whether it's for the present or the future, moments should not be wasted. 

update: Hopin' little Hopin' Hope

I got the answer. Finally.

Or more like I was reminded with the answer.

Five Months ago

I was still enjoying my leisure while deeply panicking about the state of the progress of doctorate studies. That is until, I got a phone call, calling me in for an interview. The company was unheard of, I found it on Linkedin and applied for it mainly because its scope of work and requirements match my undergraduate studies.

A quick search on the Internet reveal that the company was among the largest engineering/environmental consultancy in the world. Who wouldn't be excited for that?

Three months ago

I finally got the job after two months of one more interviews and multiple email correspondences. My Ph.D supervisor was encouraging me to quit my Ph.D since scholarship was nowhere in sight. I told him about my University College London offer for MSc and he encouraged me to go too.

My uncles were excited - only then I knew most of them do not agree with my decision to further my studies. It wasn't obvious before; but the way they commented and advised me in regards to securing myself a job was a clear indicator. I better off working.

It was another story for my parents. They, as supportive as they always be, listen to my rationals to do somethings and will offer their advise. I thought they were excited for me to secure a job - and they did. It's just that they were not as excited when I said I secure myself a post graduate studies. My parents even went to the extent of supporting my Ph.D if I don't have any scholarship - although we are not anywhere wealthy. It's funny, most of my teachers concur that I should not stop my post-graduate studies; and my aunties too hold the same view.

Will I just letting go my dreams of having a doctorate degree? Nope. Never. It's still carved neatly on my plan. But working does not seem to be a bad idea. It's a prestigious company, doing exactly the thing I expected my degree to bring me to - only with little less of wages than I'm hoping for.

I took up the job, as an environmental scientist.


Today

I had my two-week field work in Kelantan. I learnt a lot despite the fervent heat and swarm of hunger laden mosquitoes lavishing on my blood. Today I took a day off after two weeks including weekends and Awal Muharram public holiday working and went to visit my school. Usually chatting with my teachers add some perspective that chatting with my parents cannot - which is a good thing.

Many are still supporting me to further my studies, to not to stop trying even though I have a job now. Not to say that I dislike the job I am doing, but it does not give the same satisfaction or content that I did something. I can live with it, but I am not sure I can live the job.

Luckily I had my fair share of volunteering teaching kids near my flat. That is really something that I look forward every day. I truly enjoy it.

Then, it reminds me of how can I combine my passion for geosciences and teaching IF I set myself to become an academic. It's really what I am looking for in a job. I can learn, share, and teach - all at the same time. When you are doing routine work - and being paid for it, it's easy to be drowned in the cycle of doing the same thing, and forgetting the main reason you are in it at the first place.

Taking a day off and just following my gut of what to do really pays off. My original plan was to me my ex-supervisor at UKM and then go to my secondary school. I was not sure why, I just feel like doing so. I just feel that I need it. However, my ex-supervisor had to postpone the meeting so I just made my way to my school.

To be reminded that I should pursue my dream gives me courage and strength to do so. Currently, I am in the middle of completing a scholarship application to secure a financial backing for my graduate studies. I knew I should not raise my hopes high, but I am feeling good about it.

I hope. 

Wall Street Journal dan #SayaZahra

Banyak sangat isu yang berlaku kebelakangan ini - sampai saya jadi runsing nak beri pendapat. Eh tapi bukan orang tanya pun, betul tak? Tak payahlah  nak kisah-kisah beri pendapat.


Haha. Tetapi sebab ini ialah blog saya, dan saya yang tulis, maka saya nukilkan juga. Sebab, mengapa tidak?

1MDB, WSJ dan Penyelewengan Najib Razak.

Ah, ini kena komen ke? Baiklah. WSJ tu majalah ekonomi  terkemuka. Dan bagi yang pro-pembangkang, atau pro-Kerajaan yang tidak menyukai kepimpinan Najib Razak, ini memang satu berita gembira.

"Sepandai-pandai tupai melompat akhirnya jatuh ke tanah jua,"

Tetapi memandangkan isu ini masih dalam siasatan - saya mengharapkan pihak yang menyiasat berlaku jujur. Bukan calang-calang. Ini hampir RM 2 billion masuk ke akaun PERIBADI tertuduh. WSJ sudah keluarkan di Internet dokumen-dokumen yang menjadi bukti mereka. Tidak kisahlah kalau wang yang digunankan untuk tujuan bukan peribadi, ia masih lagi salah. Tetapi yang tertuduh sudah (1) menafikan beliau menerima duit tersebut; (2) mengatakan siasatan akan dilakukan ialah jika ada salah guna dana untuk kepentingan peribadi. Pernyataan no. 2 bahaya sebenarnya kerana beliah seolah-olah mengatakan bahawa dia ADA MENERIMA duit tersebut, tetapi tidak digunakan untuk kepentingan peribadi (?). Ah tetapi bukan saya pun yang mengeluarkan teori ini, media alternatif dah lama pusingkan.

Kemudian isu akaun Rosmah --ala, malaslah.

Saya setuju dengan Ust Haron Din, seseorang tidak bersalah selagi belum dibuktikan bersalah. Maka sebagai rakyat marhaen yang kaitannya dengan kes ini tiadalah beza dengan kaitan keracunan merkuri di Laut Artik bagi ikan yang tinggal di Teluk Mexico, saya berharaplah pihak berkuasa yang menyiasat berlaku jujur dan adil.

Soal ketirisan pemimpin ini memang benda berat. Lagi berat daripada kes curi telefon pintar di Low Yat


#SayaZahra

disklaimer: Saya taklah dengar habis video dia. Beberapa minit dengar orang mengeluh tak habis-habis pasal nasib dia bukanlah sesuatu yang idea. Tiada fakta melainkan pengalaman dan sentimen peribadi.

Tetapi saya faham. Ramai yang melarat. Betul dia kesian. Tetapi bukan tiada jalan penyelesaiannya. Entahlah jika kisah hidup dia yang konon "kais pagi makan pagi, kais petang makan petang" tidak diceritakan, atau kisah di hujung bulan dia terpaksa naik kenderaan awam dan malu; mungkin rayuannya lebih bermakna.

Tetapi apa yang disampaikan ialah apa yang dia alami. 23, dengan ijazah yang tak diiktiraf, keluarga punya kereta untuk dipinjamkan saya rasa dia okay. Dia bimbang keterlaluan. Ah, 23 tidak punya kereta mahupun rumah itu perkara biasa - dan wajar. Jadi harus tekun berusaha dan sabar.

Apa yang saya tidak puas hati ialah rayuannya yang berbaur kemelayuan. Saya penat sebenarnya jadi bangsa yang "entitled" ini. Kita seolah-olah bergantungharap kepada kerajaan untuk "melebih-lebih"kan kita.

Saya pernah jumpa bangsa Cina dan India yang lebih melarat - kenapa tiada bantuan diberikan? Saya percaya, bantuan berasaskan bangsa perlu dikurangkan secara berperingkat (dan sangatlah tidak membantu apabila melalui sistem merit, walau daripada golongan berada turut diberikan bantuan), dan ditumpukan untuk mereka yang betul-betul susah, tanpa mengira bangsa.

Itu Malaysia yang saya mahu.

Separation: Lil' Sister in Penang

Today, my parents and I sent off one of my younger sisters to ILP in Nibong Tebal. Penang. It's the beginning of Ramadhan and according to the schedule my sister gets, she won't get any off until one day before Raya.

What makes us anxious was my sister, she's never been away from home. After her SPM, we were quite worried that she won't get any place - and she didn't seem to care either. Well, you can't really tell by her constant stare to the screens: TV, iPads - and her choice of programme doesn't really appeal to me. It was her older sisters who sat through with her, filling up the UPU application and all. She wasn't standing out in school, not sociable nor active, but we understand, that's just how she is.

It's until from the vacation we had in November that my sister said, "Tak sabar nak belajar jauh-jauh, naik kereta api," 

That come to me as a shock. Knowing her, she would never want to stay away without my parents. She never had sleepover in the cousins' house nor any of her friends. So for her to decide that is quite amazing, and I didn't take it seriously, of course.

Then the offer came in, for her to enrol in Sijil Percetakan in Nibong Tebal. She loves reading novels, and always helped my mom dealing with the printer - I guess the course itself isn't bad. What's bad is it's in Nibong Tebal. That's far considering her two older sisters are just half-an-hour and an hour away from home, in Bangi and KL respectively. She have no choice apparently since the course only offered there, and she was rather overwhelmed by which courses she should choose. So when the offer came in - she accepted. She slept on it for a few days then she rather fixed on it.

My parents still entertained the idea that she might not go and we did try to inspect other institutions of the same function - but it was hopeless. Nibong Tebal it is.

The institution wasn't bad - in fact, it might be great for her. However most of the students are actually from around: Penang, Perak and Kedah. She and maybe few others (probably very few) - and she might be the only one from Nilai, Negeri Sembilan. Her roommate is living nearby too, and she told my sister that she'll be home often. The institute encourages them to do so.

I was away before, and I understand the value of separation but that was only when I was 20. Furthermore, I had my two years in INTI to prep myself with and friends who share the same fate. But this time, I felt differently. Probably because I was once at her side too, and now I am on my parents' side. God, this feeling. Maybe I felt guilty too because I pushed her to find a place to study. We did try to find nearer places to home, but none of them suit her interest.

She faced it rather well. I didn't see any tears jerking off her eyes. She was rather strong. Almost 18 years of her life, my family and I didn't give the credit she deserves. She's rather dependable and quite good in doing house chores, yes, but to expect her being away studying in something we never expected from her. Now that she's doing exactly that, it is applaudable and for her circumstance, pretty amazing!

I really hope she does well in ILP Nibong Tebal: make some friends whom she can depend on and in turn (or rather in process) they can depend on her, and can adapt to course she's taking. I really hope so.

Once we reached home, our family was busy devising the best way she should travel home. Probably the ones who are more anxious about this are my Parents and followed by her older siblings. The manager in the institute gives his words to my parents that even him can send her off to Butterworth (apparently the nearest public transportation hub, one hour away by car). Luckily the place isn't that far from my father's hometown, Taiping; and Nibong Tebal is only 30 mins away. So maybe my uncle will be kind enough to assist her.

Ah, did I say that our whole family and I did not give her enough credit? She did well today and hope continues doing so. She deserves more credit!

Dijajah untuk Bebas

Dahulu rakan saya pernah berseloroh dalam debat peringkat kelas: "Kalau macam itu, kita panggil penjajah, jajah kita sekali lagi"

Saya lupa apa tajuknya - saya pun dengar-dengar daripada rakan yang lain; atau mungkin bukan itu yang dicakapkan pun; mungkin minda saya yang mengubah memori saya supaya seiring dengan apa-apa yang saya bakal tulis.

Kita tolak tepi kejituan memori saya: ada suatu perkara yang benar. Kita memang tahu sedikit akan nilai kebebasan (atau merdeka) berbanding mereka yang pernah berjuang untuk kemerdekaan, atau mereka yang merasai penghambaan, pembodohan ataupun penindasan yang secara langsung berlaku ke atas mereka.

Sebabnya kebanyakan daripada kita, lahir dengan kebebasan sebagai hak lahir kita. Sedikit pula kita terkenang bahawa kebebasan itu ada harga yang perlu dibayar: integriti, tanggungjawab dan pemanfaatan.

Hari ini hakikatnya penghambaan, pembodohan dan penindasan datang lagi - tapi kita memilihnya secara aktif, kerana hakikatnya berada di hujung kontinum "diperlakukan" lebih mudah daripada melakukan.

Kita isi pula dengan pelbagai dogma-dogma arus perdana - atas nama kebebasan aksesibiliti dan hakikatnya itupun contoh penggadaian kebebasan juga.

Betullah kata Nabi SAW, jihad itu sehingga kiamat. Maaf aku bukan ahli hadis, tetapi kalau untuk menjadi iktibar aku, ruang jihad itu akan tetap ada sehingga hari kiamat. Hatta kalau diri kita mencapai Nibbana sekalipun, selagi belum Kiamat, nah, kau memang ada ruang jihad atau pembaikan - yang sepatutnya lebih bersemarak atas platform kebebasan yang sekian lama berdiri di atasnya.

Apabila kaubebas, engkau akan menghargai sekecil-kecil nikmat. Seperti video ini, sang singa meluahkan sisi comelnya saat kali pertama merasai bilah-bilah rumput bermain-main di badannya.

Apabila kita bebas daripada dunia kelak (dengan kejayaan harapnya) sekecil-kecil nikmat di syurga pun akan menjadi sebesar-besarnya. Ditambah lagi dengan ke-tidak-terjangkauan-dek-akal-manusia pada nikmat tersebut - terus terlupa peritnya dunia!

Humans and the Conundrum of (loving) tragedy.

Probably the reason why humans love tragedy is because we take consolation there is someone, in this world, who has - or had worse days than us.

--and sometimes we take it as a motivation, or remembrance. Or maybe sometimes, we just take consolation that our life has not turned spiralling out of control yet.

Kudos.

ke mana kaumelihat?

Beginilah,
Manusia!
Ke mana kaumelihat?


Ada manusia lain
penglihatannya dipulangkan
Dia mengetuk jalan
dengan harapan hatimu diketuk


kaubiarkan hatimu dirompak
Kerna kautakut manusia yang melihat
Apakah kebaikan satu kejahatan?

Manusia,
ke mana kaumelihat?

A Story of Stories

Do you know how hard it is to live a life of fragility after you have lived a long decades of life of hardworking, functionality and durability?

No, you wouldn't; unless when you grow old and your body just fails you. That's why death becoming endearing - a chance of emancipation of the old casket called your body.

And that's why now you owe it to you old people that you must listen to their stories of their youth. Because somehow the feeling of life never left them - it sticks although the physicality may hamper every aspect if their current life. The stories, and the chances to relive it by retelling the stories are really what makes life worth to struggle to live.

My grandfather is 84 this year and he served the British Army while in Singapore and was orphaned since as young as he can remember. He was there during the Japanese occupation and live long enough to have skyped and facetimed with me when I studied overseas.

He prayed hard - and he even told my parents that he wanted to die while in his prayers because probably those are the times when he felt real. The connection to God is real even though his recitations of the Suras escape his mind. The connection and the thoughts that God is all-hearing and all-merciful even though when we are muted has always been real to him.

I owe it to him almost  every thing I have --but I never listened to his stories (because his stories has to come up organically like when there is a newspaper article or documentaries about it) until last year. Mine was a documentary on Japanese Occupation. The stories started during his childhood (around 10 years old) during Japanese occupation, then tracking back to his early childhood of living as an orphan whom relatives couldn't care less; then coming back to Singapore. There are intermittent silence for him to recall back like an old VCR put on rewind; nevertheless he told the stories to me. I listened to him until it was way past our bedtimes (it's only 12.00 am, but I was jet lagged and he slept at 10.30 pm).

I do not come from a wealthy family. My grandfather did considerably good serving the British army in Singapore. But he chose to live in Malaysia and the money my grandfather sent to his brother in Kuala Lumpur was only enough to build a house in the slum in Kuala Lumpur where my mother and her other five siblings lived for years before he joined them. He was a cook in the army - and a good one. Hotels tried to hire him but, as my mother told me, he didn't want to work dubiously with the wines and stuffs.

Still, he managed a restaurant; then a groceries store while working as general worker in a Sekolah Agama in Bangsar during his latter days when all of his kids are getting married and having their own kids. I was lucky since he just lived next door and he always bring me and my other cousin (whom parents --my aunt, lived next door too) to the Sekolah Agama in the weekends, helping him out. He was pretty famous there too. People called him "Pak Akob" and every time there is a teacher in my Sekolah Agama transferring from the Sekolah Agama my grandfather worked, they would want to meet me. One time, the teachers from that school who supposed to monitor our KL-wide exam, asked the current teacher who is Pak Akob's grandchildren and they helped me out with one question. I realized that time how loved my grandfather is to people around him.


He never told us in the stories about my grandmother (who died 14 years ago) - and he doesn't even remember her face when shown the picture. I guess, he just missed her so much - that even his mind refuses to let him feel the pain. My mother said my grandfather changed a lot after his wife passed away. He mellowed a lot, become quieter but still the same old him. Always hardworking (even though he can barely walk or stand up from the chair by himself) mending my parents' lawn every evening, try to wash his dishes if nobody offers him to just put it in the sink.

I can understand it, having lived his life on how his own since the tender age when his parents whom supposed to look after him had long gone; makes him independent and the thought of getting someone else into the trouble because he is in one is utterly unacceptable.

Everything turned out well for each of my grandfather kids, at least, better than he used to be. My uncle in many of our gatherings will usually "brainwash" us that academic is the most important since it changes your social status. Face it, regardless of how many DEBs, we have social and economic disparity exists and if you don't intend to change it then nobody would. Of course I got jealous when some of my friends have "better" social standing that allows them to do more (and obviously have more) but it doesn't matter because the pursuit of being better (and ultimately being happy) is everyone's right --and subjective.

Looking at my grandfather, I realized that he's content about his life. He doesn't believe in being better than others - as far as I know him, he is always tolerant. He just believe in being better -- for the sake of being better.

I wish I have his perseverance, or have it transferred to me - but I just can't. The only way that is possible is to listen to his stories. 

Bermalasan

Saya dirundung kemalasan. Ini bukanlah perkara baharu sebenarnya. Perkara yang biasa-biasa terjadi. Orang atas angin gelar sifat ini "procrastination" --cuma kadang-kadang saya tertanya juga di manakah garis halus yang memisahkan procrastination dan laziness itu sendiri?

Semasa saya sedang menghabiskan ayat di atas, saya jumpa jawapannya (bukan salah saya. Memang neuron-neuron otak sentiasa berhubungan dan kelajuan impuls yang dikeluarkan jauh lebih pantas daripada saya menaip). Procrastination ialah satu lapisan yang menutup kemalasan - atau kalau kita nak bermain kata di sini, ialah suatu kemalasan yang produktif.

Mungkin anda habiskan masa membaca novel, atau di gim, atau mengemas dan membersihkan bilik -semata-mata untuk menipu diri anda bahawa anda tidak malas - sedangkan anda punya kerja lain yang perlu lebih diutamakan.

Jadi saya biarkan diri saya di awangan seketika, cuba menjejak balik langkah-langkah saya. Awalnya, saya begitu rajin, terperosok di bilik, di hadapan komputer baca itu dan ini serta godek itu dan ini. Bagaiman sejak beberapa minggu lepas saya hilang semangat --malah mula mempersoalkan tindakan saya untuk menyambung pengajian dalam keadaan tidak berduit ini. (Okay, itu cerita lain)

Biasanya setelah dua minggu bekerja saya akan bawa hasil kajian saya kepada penyelia. Penyelia saya tidak komen banyak melainkan apa yang saya buat itu bagus; dan tunggu apabila kutip sampel di lapangan kelak.

Hah! Itulah racunnya. Saya pantang dipuji dan rasa selesa, lebih-lebih lagi diberikan seolah-olah satu extension yang panjang kerana saya tidak punya sebarang sampel. Jadi saya bermalasan (ini bukan bertangguhan lagi). Binge-watching sitkom TV dan errr, tidur mungkin?


Ah, jangan malas-malas lagi Saya yakin ada hikmah Tuhan masih menutup pintu biasiswa kepada saya. Tetapi memang tiada hikmahlah kalau saya yang membiarkan diri terus bermalas-malasan. Itu kufur nikmat!

#PBAKL2015 dan Cerita-Cerita Lain

Beginilah, setelah tiga tahun tak berkunjung dan hanya mengemaskini di Twitter betapa kecewanya saya tidak dapat ke Pesta Buku Antarabangsa Kuala Lumpur, saya, ditemani rakan saya, berpesta di Pesta Buku semalam. Alhamdulillah Pesta ini tidak diharamkan oleh Pihak berkuasa kerana yang nyatanya saban tahun belum ada lagi kes remaja mati keracunan dadah ataupun berpesta mabuk tak ke sudah.

Di Pesta Buku, bahasanya ialah idea (dan wang... oh, apa yang tidak?). Sasaran pertama kami ialah bahagian buku teks universiti dengan penerbit-penerbit seperti CRC Press, ElSevier, Cambridge dan Oxford. Dahulunya memang langsung tidak berminat. Tetap sejak mula berjinak-jinak dengan akademik ini bahan bacaan ialah suatu eskapisme untuk pengajian. Belum ada sampel hendak dikumpul apatah lagi dianalisis, jadi yang ada hanyalah perkataan demi perkataan yang perlu cermat dipilih.

Buku-bukunya langsung tidak dipamerkan harga. Dengan kadar mata wang ringgit yang rendah, ditambah pula dengan kos import dan sebagainya saya memang berat hati mahu bertanyakan harga. Sehinggalah saya terjumpa buku yang memang saya berkenan: berkulit keras warna hitam dan agak tipis (secara relatifnya). Lalu saya bertanyakan harga.

RM 437. Empat ratus tiga puluh tujuh.

Ah. Saya letakkan semula di rak, dan mula bersangka-sangka bersama kawan saya yang penyelia saya cukup mulia untuk meluangkan sedikit duit gerannya untuk keperluan buku saya.

Jadi untuk sesi itu, kami hanya pusing-pusing mengumpulkan katalog. Saya perasan, bahawa kami mungkin sangat undressed memandangkan yang datang bertemu mereka biasanya ialah wakil-wakil kedai buku universiti atau perpustakaan. Jadi tidak hairanlah kami seolah-olah diendahkan (ini yang pertama).

Sebelum itu, saya berkunjung ke Dubook memandangkan petaknya terletak beltul-betul berderetan dengan pintu masuk kami. Tiada Faisal Tehrani di gerai, jadi kami teruskan ke bahagian-bahagian lain. 

Sejak dahulu saya memang suka makanan di medan makan the Mall. Selepas kecewa dan berharap di bahagian penerbit buku akademik, kami merancang untuk KFC di the Mall. Ah, the Mall telah bertukar pemilik, Taikun Sunway. Setelah 30 minit mengelilingi bangunan yang sedang diubahsuai, kami memutuskan bangunan itu ditutup (dan kemudiannya disahkan dengan carian di Google). Kami masuk semula ke PWTC untuk solat dan merancang semula. 

Carian Google mengesahkan bahawa memang ada KFC di dahulunya The Mall, dan kami melihat segelintir pelawat menikmatinya lewat ruang legar PWTC. Tapi misterinya, kami tidak tahu daripada mana mereka membelinya. Ah, KFC! Akhirnya, kerana tiada pilihan (dan wang - sudahku bilang wang juga bahasa pesta Buku dan bahasa rasmi PWTC). Kami nikmati makan tengah hari di medan selera sebelah sungai, berdekatan stesen LRT PWTC ditemani dengan anak-anak lipas yang segan-segan naik ke meja makan (saya perasan  bayangan mereka dari awal - dan disahkan apabila saya nampak sendiri, tanpa bayangan setelah hampir selesai makan - tetapi hanya memberitahu kawan saya selepas kami selesai makan. Saya kira, itu adab bukan?) 

Selesai makan, ah Faisal Tehrani ada di DuBook. Saya begitu teruja sehingga jadi malu-malu seperi anak gadis (dan ada tikanya saya rasa malu saya diperasan Faisal Tehrani). Saya beli buku-buku baru beliau, dan ZulFikri Zamir. Kemudian mundar-mandir, berkira-kira mahu Faisal Tehrani tandatangani salinan Perempuan Nan Bercinta saya. Ah malam sebelumnya saya sudah sediakan beberapa baris jawapan jika Faisal Tehrani terkejut dengan buku tersebut - kerana ia diharamkan; tetapi bahasa Pesta Buku bukankah idea seperti saya bilang? Walau peraturan dan sekatan pun tidak mampu menghalang aliran idea. 

Tetapi sisi gadis saya masih lagi berkira-kira, jadi kami memutuskan untuk teruskan pemburuan buku-buku kami. Banyak kali juga kami turun untuk melihat-melihat jika Faisal Tehrani masih di petak DuBook; tetapi takdir mentertawakan saya. Nyata peluang pertama saya itulah peluang terakhir saya, kerana yang seterusnya beliau lagaknya asyik berbual dan lewat petang beliau sudah balik mungkin. 

Petang itu, kami akhiri sesi dengan melawat ITBN. Untung, kru di sana sangat peramah. Seorang pekerja memperkenalkan kami kepada pekerja yang lain, yang merupakan seorang editor. Pada bacaan terakhir kawan saya yang bersifat post-Modernisme, beliau mengasakkan cadangan buku demi buku untuk kami pertimbangkan. 

Dan kami ambil masa pula untuk menyaring pilihan-pilihan tersebut, dah kami berpuas hati dengan apa yang kami pilih dan memutuskan bahawa seorang pengarang daripada cadangan yang diasakkan tidak mengenai cita rasa kami. Karya beliau, dikatakan diinspirasi oleh Haruki Murakami (yang memang saya tidak minat setelah menghabisi 1Q84). Karyanya terlalu introspektif, malangnya saya tidak nampak unsur Murakami. 

Saya harus berterima kasih kepada Big Bad Wolf yang mengajar saya bahawa banyak buku yang diborong selalunya tidak habis dibaca kerana tidak memenuhi minat saya. Saya jadi lebih selesa membaca berdasarkan cadangan atau saya memang pernah menyantuni pengarang tersebut. 

Jadi saya habiskan kira-kira RM 150 sahaja (berbanding sebelum-belumnya yang selalunya mudah sahaja dua kali ganda jumlah tersebut). Buku-buku yang dibeli: 

1. Pemodelan Alam Sekitar dan Ekosistem, Koh Hock Lye

2. Cerpen2 Underground, Faisal Tehrani

3. Aku_______, maka Aku ada, Faisal Tehrani

4. Berlari dari Jogja untuk menemukan Si Dia di Christiana, ZF Zamir

5. Boneka Rusia Guido, Wan Nor Azriq

6. Dublin, Wan Nor Azriq

7. Trivia, Ruhaini Matdarin

Parents

Parents are funny people. They always, always, want the best for you - to the extend they'll sacrifice everything before you.

But deep down, they'll settle for anything as long as you're off better than them.

I guess that is love. 

A 9 Year Old Who Likes Symmetry

Symmetry is what defines beauty, people say.

And when I was a kid, I grew fond of symmetry. I liked my toys, my clothes to be symmetrical.

And my hair too. But that's a lost cause. I could never part my hair in the middle like any 90s kids would do. My hair is weirdly spikey at only the right side of my head, right above the curve of my head. And the hair will be manageable if they are long enough (the fact that I only knew when I can grow my hair for months during school break). 

So every time I have a haircut, I can see the shock on the Mamak's face when he realized my hair "spring to life" and he will have a hard time mending to that. 

As a result of that, my haircut is the worst for the first few weeks I had it - until it grew long enough. 

So not until recently (I am 24, that's kinda late), I started to tell the barber not to cut my hair so short that it will spike. And the barber actually finds a way around my hair. The result was not bad at all. 

Then, I found out that I have an oversized head. And the 9 year old kid inside me who loves symmetry so much cringe again. In a both mocking and disgruntled way, he yelled, "Hah, you have a really large head".  

Shoot. Yay, to another item in my insecurities list. 

Peluang.

Ah, peluang. 

Datang dan pergi. Yang sempat ditangkap kadang-kadang dilupa, ralit memandang yang terlepas; atau kabut pula menanti yang entah apa rupanya. 

Ah, peluang - selalu sahaja engkau yang harus berjuang. Yang terlepas, yang tertangkap dan yang mendatang. Kauharus berjuang. 

Kerana berjuang itu, mencipta peluang. 

Rejection

No, I am not used to rejection.

These past seven months however, I have received too many rejections, relatively more than anything that I have experienced for the last 23 years of my life.

Ah, I guess that's what life does to you. Sneak up on you on the most unsuspecting times of your life and just throw one by one at you - knowing that you have no choice but to face it head-on.

But don't let those blur your already traumatized mind. Failure is good. It shapes, moulds and sharpens you. While many mythical heroes conquer death (or so they try), we, the non-mythical ordinary humans, just have to conquer failure.

Failure will come, at any point of your life, even after you think you've conquered it -- don't get me wrong. I knew it. It will certainly come.

It will come, but greet them as a friend. For whatever it does to you now, you will laugh it off later-- and other people might join too

Coping Mechanism

Why when you reached a certain age, a certain part of your life becomes a source of annoyance and revolt?

Since to hate your past selves is practically self-loathing and the hatred is directionless since there is no empirical entity to place it upon, a coping mechanism is introduced.

Now you project your past lives to other people who happen to be, more or less, appear to be a resemblance of your past lives.

Coping mechanism kicks in and evidently you become annoyed - like somehow you brain is wired that way to just be annoyed.

And the painful part is, that annoyance serves as a painful reminder, you WERE that.

Wang

Sebenarnya rasa kecewa dengan diri kerana banyak kali, apabila membuat keputusan, wang menjadi faktor utama.

Ah, siapa yang tak mahu wang?

Walaupun sisi ideal diri kerap kali membisikkan, "wang bukan yang kaukejar, tetapi cita,", kerap kali juga sisi muka diri ini terlupa dan terlanjur pula. 

Kelas

"Teacher,  research saya sekarang mengenai geokimia,"

"Geokimia?"

"Ya, geokimia." saya ulang lagi, mungkin suara saya tenggelam dalam titis-titis hujan di pinggir bumi Shah Alam.

"Apa kaitan dengan fizik awak?"

Jadi saya salah. Teacher tak tahu saya sudah bertukar bidang. Maka saya menceritakan yang saya bertukar bidang sewaktu semester pertama di Penn State.

"Aaaah. Itulah awak. Dulu bukan awak suka gila ke fizik?"

Saya tersenyum, mengangguk. Ah cinta itu sudah lama hilang. Atau mungkin saya yang padamkannya.

"Kelas saya mesti awak tidur je. Tapi kalau kelas Teacher Sharifah, terjaga awak!"

Saya gelak. "Itu mungkin karma teacher."

Kebetulan, iqamah untuk solat asar dilaungkan. Kami segera bergegas ke dewan solat. Ah, siapa sangka, mahu melepak-lepak di Masjid berdekatan terserempak dengan guru-guru dari SAMBEST yang mengiringi peserta-peserta Kuiz Falak Syarie?

Saya bisikkan kepada kawan sewaktu kami menempuh hujan ke dewan Solat, "Ah, bukan kelas dia je aku tidur. Semua kelas aku tidur".

Ya, semua kelas. Termasuk fizik. Saya tersenyum sendiri.

Syukur Tuhan menunjukkan jalan. 

Pilihan

Tak ramai yang suka membaca tulisan yang panjang sekarang. Dengan kewujudan micro-blogging, "screen-shots", komunikasi idea jadi lebih mudah.

Hasilnya, menulis pun jadi payah, apatah lagi kalau perlu idea yang tersusun dan rujukan yang tepat. Sebabnya, diri sendiri yang menulis pun tidak pasti akan membaca esei sepanjang perkara yang ingin ditulis.

Tidak mengapalah ruang penulisan ini jadi satu ruang sepi, yang hanya akan disinggahi mereka yang mahu.

Kalau orang-orang haraki, mereka gelar ini "tapisan". Iyalah, hidup ini secara lumrahnya menapis-napis, tambahan lagi observasi Darwin bahawa "survival of the fittest" ialah cara alam memilih.

Tidak, sebenarnya alam tidak memilih. Alam tiada lain patuh akan perintah Tuhannya juga, dalam paksa mahupun rela.

Manusia yang selalunya memilih - dan mampu memilih.

Usai Jumaat

Hari itu hari Jumaat yang terik. Memang kebiasaannya di UKM, saya akan memarkir kereta di hadapan lingkaran Jabatan-Jabatan Fakulti Sains dan Teknologi kemudian saya akan berjalan ke kelas. Dan hari tu hari jumaat, saya berjalan dalam kira-kira 10 minit ke masjid universiti.

Usai solat, saya berjalan lagi kira-kira dalam 15 minit (atau kurang) ke kelas di bangunan baru FST.

Ah, teriknya matahari membuatkan titik-titim peluh saya meluncur laju. Lencun juga dibuatnya. Sambil menggalas beg dan di tangan kiri terdapat gelas plastik minuman yang baru saya habisi.

Terik, memang terik.

Saya melintas di hadapan sepasang suami isteri yang sibuk mengumpul daun-daun kering di berguguran. Di kawasan parkir kereta Kolej Ungku Omar pula sibuk berdentam dengan lagu-lagu barat (saya kira dari zaman 2000-an). Satu ironi untuk UKM mungkin.

Saya sempat menyapa dan memberikan senyuman kepada makcik yang sibuk membongkok mengutip daun-daun kering.

Kemudian, makcik itu menyapa saya, "Nak, ini boleh buang sampah dalam nih" sambil menunjukkan kepada karung-karung guni yang disandarkan pada pengadang jalan."

Saya berpatah balik, mengangguk-ngangguk dan melakukan sepeti mana yang disuruh.

"Kesian pegang sampah ni. Buang je di situ,"

Saya sempat memberikan senyuman, dan kemudian berlalu pergi.

Saya benar-benar tersentuh.

Anda tidak perlukan sebab untuk mengasihani manusia. Apatah lagi menjadikan keadaan diri anda sebagai alasan untuk tidak mengasihani.

Kononnya, kita yang lebih berhak "dikasihani"

Ah sungguh, hati yang lapang sentiasa menginginkan yang terbaik untuk manusia lain. Kelapangan bukannya pada apa yang anda miliki, tetapi pada bagaimana anda melihat keadaan.

Saya doakan kesejahteraan untuk makcik tersebut dan untuk keturunannya.

Idea vs. _______?

Kelas-kelas untuk minor dalam pengajian "Religious Studies" tidak banyak. Sepanjang pengajian saya hanya sempat menduduki dua kelas mengenai Islam dan Tamadunnya, selebihnya - dalam tiga kelas mungkin - adalah mengenai Kristianiti.

Kenapa saya memilih minor tersebut? Banyak sebab mungkin, 1) ada seorang penceramah muslim daripada Hollywood (penulis skrip, peguam dan juga pelajar pengajian agama) seakan-akan memberi idea, 2) Juana Jaafar 3) memang saya minat, 4) kelas falsafah banyak bercakap, jadi saya kurang selesa (inferiority complex). Haha.

Tetapi kenapa saya terus tegar menduduki kelas-kelas tersebut mungkin kerana suasananya. Menariknya di dalam kelas, para professor tidak memilih buku atau bahan (ya, kami tonton filem dalam kelas) hanya kerana ia selari dengan ideologi mereka, tetapi kerana mereka tahu dan yakin, bahawa idea penulis/pengkarya itu boleh diletakkan di tengah-tengah kelas, dan diasak, dibincang hingga lunyai.

Ya, tidak pernah ada sesi yang tamat dengan persetujuan semua - kerana manusia berhak mempunyai pendapat dan latar belakang yang berbeza, dan corak pemikiran yang berbeza selalunya menuju kepada kepelbagaian pendapat.

Dan itu tidak mengapa - malah para professor tersebut lebih gembira jika kami mampu berfikir dan berbincang sesama kami.

Selalunya zahir kerana nama "Muhammad" lebih dari cukup untuk memperihalkan "keislaman" saya.

Memang biasa. Saya selalunya akan menjadi "the only muslim guy in class".Tetapi tidak pernah ada hostiliti dalam kelas. Walaupun saya jarang bercakap, tetapi dalam sesi perjumpaan dengan professor-professor mereka sangat membantu dan menyambut baik idea-idea saya.

Entah, kalau Muhyiddin rasa terkejut kenapa prestasi pendidikan kita begitu merosot, mungkin kita boleh bermula di situ.

Di Malaysia, sedihnya, idea menjadi satu alat pencetus paranoia. Banyak di antara kita berpendapat bahawa cara yang paling efektif ialah untuk menyekat kemaraan idea dengan undang-undang dan penguatkuasaan. Idea-idea daripada buku-buku yang "tidak selari" dengan norma-norma yang ditetapkan biasanya akan dihalang penyebarannya secara fizikal.

Hasilnya idea itu semakin berkembang, apatah lagi dengan maklumat di hujung jari. Mungkin kadang-kadang bukan kerana idea itu sendiri tetapi kerana manusia makhluk empati. Ada prejudis, ada sangkaan.

Hasilnya masyarakat lebih selesa disogokkan dengan pendapat. Yang dikisahkan ialah ya atau tidak, boleh atau tidak, halal atau haram. Konteks yang selalunya meriah dengan pelbagai citra diendahkan, kerana, "buat apa nak susahkan otak."



Mungkin betul. Mungkin lebih baik jangan susahkan diri.


Yang jadi payah apabila kita sebagai negara dan masyarakat - atau kalau mahu dipanjangkan lagi - sebagai satu ummah gagal untuk membentuk identiti kita sendiri. Banyak bergantung kepada tradisi dan norma.

Kemalasan berfikir membawa kepada kecelaruan identiti. Mungkin boleh dipendam-pendam, tetapi secara batinnya kita tiada beza dengan robot yang diprogram - robot yang akan lulus Turing's Test.



Tahniah.

Rayu Hati

Ah, alam dewasa. Tiada yang indah. Semua keputusan bakal ada akibatnya.

Jadi pilihan sebenarnya di tangan kita. Betul juga pepatah Melayu mengingatkan, "kalau takut dilimbur pasang, jangan berumah di tepi pantai".


Cabaran itu memang akan ada, dan Allah yang rahmat-Nya meliputi dan melitupi alam ini mustahil pula akan menindas manusia. Janji-Nya, beban yang diberi akan memadai dengan kesanggupannya.

Ah tetapi siapa yang mahu susah? Tiada sesiapa. Oleh sebab itu dunia ini akan diterbitkan hari demi hari dengan kesusahan dan kepayahan, supaya manusia ini jadi tergilap potensinya dan tertuju pula halanya.

Dan ini semua pucuk bujukan hati buat diri. Moga sentiasa beringat, dalam kesusahan itu akan ada kemudahan.


Dalam kesusahan itu ada akan ada kemudahan.

Got to read more

I think the reason why I have a writer's block is that I read significantly less nowadays.

Last year, during the summer, I read around maybe 10-12 non-study related books. and after I went back on August up until now (January), I probably only read three to four books.


This is sad.